Share's Sharing

it's so easy
to believe
your words.
your fucking hateful, hurtful words.
crying every day
is getting so tiring
but they won't stop,
and sometimes
i need them.
family get-togethers
bring on the lies
the fake smiles
and the cheerfulness.
did i really do this
to myself?
this red room
scares me now.
i want to shut myself out and up,
end this rabbit hole of a life.
it's always "time to pretend",
i can't be myself and let the
shit out.
happy christmas and holiday cheer
to you and yours.

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed.
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on.

-World Spins Madly

I hate this godamn feeling.

"I fall asleep with my friends around me
Only place I know, I feel safe.
I'm gonna call this home.

You should see the canals are freezing
You should see me high
You should just be here-
Be with me here.
It doesn't seem there's hope for me-
I let you down
but i won't give in now,
Not for any amount."

-Jimmy Eat World

I really can't wait to have my own family. Well, obviously I can wait and obviously I don't want that to happen anytime soon, but I'm excited for it to happen eventually. I can't wait to raise my kids with my husband. I know for all the bad things that have happened with me or with my siblings, that's just one more thing that will go right for my own kids. I can't wait to be an amazing Mom to have amazing kids who love me and will have been brought up right. As much as I love love love being in my early twenties [I seriously love it], sometimes I wish I could fast forward to a more stable time in my life.

I love Saturdays.

-Staying in McDonalds past closing time
-Fogging up the Tercel listening to MGMT
-Taking shots straight from the bottle
-Making friends/watching fights with boys on E
-Lounging at Dennys for hours
-More driving with awesome music
-Climbing a hill and videotaping everything
-Going to the beach downtown

These moments are what I live for, I love being young and having amazing friends. We are random and we do whatever we like. I can't wait to tell my kids the adventures that their Mom used to get into and be proud of living my young years to the fullest. I feel like life is amazing, I have nothing to lose, and everything will be alright. I'm stoked to start a new chapter of my life.

Thinking naively that I will never know your stealth
The words I’ve heard you say through everyone else
Whisper through the air silently
Tempting me
To raise my voice in forged shock
My shimmering eyes to theirs’ lock
But I will be silent
Even be these words violent
My reaction will get back to you in due course
So one little smile on my face I shall force
Rejecting tears
Overcoming fears
Because I’m the strongest I’ve ever been

Finally I can see who you really are to me.

---Winter Group Activites---
Share&Anna&Art&Theo

1.) Snowboarding @ Seymore

2.) Tubing

3.) A gift exchange

4.) Ice skating

5.) Birthday Fiesta

6.) Clubbing [lol]

7.) Sledding/Snow fun!

Haha, I love our lists.

After two hectic months, I've finally found a bachelor suite and I've started moving in. It's super small, the kitchen/living room/bedroom is all in one room, then there's a closet and the bathroom. It works with my budget though ;-P It's the first time I've lived just me myself and I though. I thought I would enjoy the alone time a bit, but honestly, I really don't like being alone here. I wish it was in Cloverdale cuz then at least everyone would drop in all the time, but it's in Fleetwood. At least Beth is close, and Anna has a car. Hopefully by next Christmas I'll be able to afford something a bit bigger and a bit closer to everyone. But I really shouldn't be complaining, I'm happy I finally found a permanent place. I'm just afraid that my life will be taken over by WOW or facebook because the internet is the only means of communication other than my phone with the outside world.

This past weekend was SO much fun! I had to work on Friday night, but afterwards I met up with Anna and her Best Buy co-workers at the Mirage. We didn't have to spend a penny [hells yeah, ladies night], and we just danced. We've never done the clubbing thing together and I'm pretty sure that got us addicted. Crystal was there too, so afterwards we hit up McDonalds like every other drunk kid on a Friday night and headed to my place.

Saturday was even better... Anna and I headed to Port Moody to chill with our boss from the summer, Theo and his friend Art. We ended up staying up all night and having this amazing bonding experience. The four of us are absolute pimps and had such a blast. So we're going to pull the whole divorced-kids thing and take turns traveling to Cloverdale or Port Moody to hang out. I'm so glad we recorded some of the night, I never want to forget it.

Work is good, but I'm not getting enough hours. So I think I'm gonna apply at Best Buy [lol] for the mornings and just work at the liqueur store at night. Seriously, they've only given me three shifts this week, and I'm trying to pick up more but everyone else is getting chotched out of full time hours too. I can only hope that someone quits :-P It's an awesome work atmosphere though so I don't want to leave.

So I just got reemed out by Dallas' dad for stealing money. Like, actually. I haven't even been home all weekend, and he went off on me that money has been going missing. I eventually was just like, "Well, you know... I'm out of here in ten days so the money shouldn't go missing anymore, right?" And he didn't say anything. He also yelled at me for waking him up to be let in the house, when he hasn't given me a key. He was like, you better just fucking stay out all night. Like, excuse me?? I'm still allowed to be here for ten more days. It's my room, I can have who I want over. We're not loud, we're not bothering anyone. I actually have never been so close to just going off on someone! But I knew if I started I would cry, and that would just be a mess. I hate this.

is my life really in shambles that much?

i'll take the blame for the mistakes that i've made this weekend, [and i have] but honestly you know that i'm a push-over and i have trust issues with people. i have felt taken advantage of from you before in the past, but never have i brought it up because i don't want to lose friendships and i'm too much of a pansy to speak my mind. obviously you have no problem speaking yours.

am i just a crappy friend? here i am thinking that certain people aren't worth my time and effort.. but maybe it's me who people actually have a problem with and i just am completly oblivious.

i'm tired of hearing rumors about me, i'm tired of feeling upset. i'm trying to do this the way i thought best and believe me, everything is still a struggle. things just don't get automatically better overnight, unfortunatley. i'm not asking for sympathy but i've gone through more shit with my family than you could ever understand. stuff yourself full of turkey and excuse yourself from the table to watch tv... at least you have a family who wants you.

i feel like i've been supportive to you throughout the hard times in your life, and you have been right next to me through mine. i'm not telling you how to live your life, i need you to let me figure this out cuz it's about time that i did.

sometimes i wish that i could pull an "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" and erase you from my life.

i would have no memory of you and the loss that i feel would be full again. i wouldn't remember the good, but i would have no record of the bad and overall that would be just fine with me.

but you know what, if it wasn't you it would have been someone else. and the cycle would start over again... me wishing that i had never met him.

why do we have to go through so much hurt? is it really because it makes us "stronger"? i'm not fully convinced. i feel like that's the cop-out reason that your mom gives you when you cry to her about the new boy who's hurt your feelings.

life sucks sometimes.

don't get me wrong, i've had a lot to celebrate about and i will continually have future celebrations of my life. but life truly does suck sometimes.

i'm exhausted from sticking up for myself, i'm exhausted from being accused, being frowned upon.

i'm greatful for those who have given me the benefit of the doubt and loved me through this... god knows i don't deserve some of the sympathy.

relationships florish and fail. i'm begining to see that those hugs and hellos that you give me aren't exactly genuine. i can see through your crooked smile.

it's time to really live.

So props go to AJ for showing me this dudes work, I really enjoy his stuff. Check this out.

what a crazy ride this thing called life is
constant ups and downs
i look at you on the street
and i don't know your story
it'll probably make me cry
just as much as mine could
i'm so naive to think
that i'm the only one with problems
i seem to forget that life is hard
for everyone

Just another reason to love Switchfoot [...Like I needed another one!].

i can't think of anything else i'd rather do
than to spend this night with anyone but you

laughing in the rain, warming up with tea, watching 'garden state' [the greatest romantic comedy EVER], falling asleep on the floor of the living room.

going on a two hour long walk to nowhere in particular, watching the streetlights, and listening to the beatles... no mainstream songs, of course.

tonight was an amazing expierence that i won't forget.

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now you're plain boring

I should know that
you're not gonna change


...So glad I got off this ride

I figure I should recap on Creation before 1] I forget about it and 2] before we leave for California!!!!

Creation this year was super fun, definitley one of the best years and so much better than last year! There got to be so many plug ins for Compassion and universities and such and such that it got so annoying in the past. But they've defs kept all that down to a minimum, and the "in between" concert time was mostly spent throwing free shwag into the mosh pit.

First concert of the week was Flyleaf, and it was THE best concert to start off with! I'm so in love with Lacey, the lead singer. One of the only chicks that I've heard who can SANG and do screamo. So amazing. Switchfoot was awesome as usual, and Toby Mac was SEXY. It seems like every year his concert his so similar, but his concert this year was hot. So much energy and I love his crew :-P I even enjoyed David Crowder who I don't really fancy all that much. Brent and Krissi were so excited about seeing him that it was kinda contagious. I was aprehensive about the Newsboys since they've gone worship and lost the hottest member! But they were really awesome, and I obviously hadn't listened to them in a while. Skillet was so great, there's just something about John Cooper's voice! Hawk Nelson was sweet, we all turned into thirteen year old girls [except for the ones who are already 13 ;-)]and danced and played our kazzos. We saw a bunch of new bands too that I'd never heard... RED, Disciple, Run Kid Run, Ruth, Worth Dying For, Firelight. And the speaker on the last day, Reggie, was so interesting to listen to!

It was amazing being able to go to the river every day as well. It wasn't as hot this year, but the river was still refreshing. And going a day early worked out super well... We were hardcore and unbeknownst to us, we slept outside in a rattlesnake area! Brent, Rob, and the Koenigs organized the trip so well!

Anyway I'm being told to get a move on... We're leaving for Seattle and taking a flight out of there to Cali tomorrow morning! I'm so stoked!

The week has been good, hanging out with friends and making new ones. I saw The Dark Knight on Thursday at the Clova. Unfortunately Jo and Krissi had to work through it so they couldn't join us. But I really loved it, Heath was outstanding and I'm sure everyone was blown away by his preformance. It was great seeing the boys doing their music at the church, I'm so proud of how far they've come. Hearing their version of "Alleluia" which Beth and I sang for an assignment of mine a couple years ago was fantastic. All the youth are super stoked about Creation, and I'm getting pretty excited as well. I think it'll be a good year, it looks like Brent and a lot of other people have been working hard on making it a gooder.

Friday night was spent at Crystal's house, and it was great. Her psycho neighbor made an apperence which was halarious and made quite a memory.

Today Jo, my mom and I sat down to plan our trip to California! We're leaving in 15 days! The trip will include Disneyland, Universal Studios, Long Beach, Hollywood, SeaWorld... We're all beside ourselves with excitement... It's like waiting for Christmas but better. 8 days in Cali! What could be better? It's our first family vacation where we've taken a plane together and our first time visiting Disneyland!

I have to work tomorrow morning, so it's off to bed for me. Jo started reading The Shining and now it's my turn and I'm getting pretty into it. Probs not the best idea to read it just before bed, but it's too good to put down. Jo and I will rent the movie when I'm finished.

my siblings and i are having a "sleepover" right at this moment. daniel has planted himself on the floor of jo's room [with tanner taking up half of his mattress]. we've been talking and now jo's engrossed in her newest stephen king novel [how is she related to me?!?!] and daniel's spurting out random comments and fighting over mattress space with the dog.

tonight was a success! us mcburnie kids were a little wary about combining all the peoples, but it was fantastic and i'm pretty sure everyone had fun. i'm very happy it went so well! it was great seeing friends who i haven't seen in a while!

so the sun's coming up, i think it's time to call it a night.

i have zero tolerance for friends who basically say "i don't care" when i tell them about issues that i'm dealing with. it makes no sense to me why someone who used to care so much would say something like that.

on a lighter note, anna and i have the pimpest boss. like, the raddest guy ever. and it was great seeing everyone at laura's on sunday. i'm stoked for saturday... bbq at our place. woot!

Wow. So if I counted up all the people who are moving to Australia that I know, guess how many it would be?

7.

And that's not including the people who are all "I wanna move there soon".

Seriously. I'm never gonna even visit Australia. It might steal my soul too! What's the big deal about Auz? I understand that it's beautiful, hot, nice beaches, and you don't have to tip, but is it really that amazing?

I feel so... relieved.

my little sister graduated tonight.
it was so fantastic!
she looked stunning & i'm
just so so so happy for her!
i'm going to make the best of
this summer before she takes off
on me to attend uvic.

she's beautiful, smart, peaceful,
halarious, and overall the nicest
person you could ever meet.
she holds my family together.
she deserves the best and i'm
so happy i'm here with her.
i love you as far as the east
is from the west, johanna.
i hope you're having an
amazing time on the cruise,
you deserve the best!

ALL MY LOVE AND MORE,
congratulations grad of 08!

Share is...

Currently sitting in "My Pants", listening to the Beatles, waiting for "Lost" to load. Eating cherries, one menthal cigerette by my side [don't hate, it's not a pack], smiling about last night and oh so happy that the Ciprelex is finally kicking in. Or maybe it's just a damn good day.

Last night was great! Melissa FIIIINALLY turned 19 which is awesome. For obvious reasons. Her mom is so sweet and tons of fun. And Mel looked SO cute last night!

I'm stoked that it's summer and we don't really have to have a real reason to get together and have tons of fun. And it's nice that there's one more friend who's of legal age ;-)

My mom read my journal.

I feel like I don't have a normal "mother-daughter" relationship with my mom. We're either fighting like two cats or we're the best of friends. Maybe that is "normal". But I've always been honest with my Mom about things happening in my life. She knows the good, the bad, and the ugly. I rarely keep anything from her. Except sometimes. When I put it in my journal.

My journal is the only place that I'm 100% honest with myself... It's something I have always done and my journals mean a lot to me. Having someone read between the lines of my life isn't something I am too keen on. Especially when the excuse is, "Well, it was just lying there..." Holy respect my privacy. And the worst part of it, is she's come clean to me and now she's grilling me on each and every thought that I have.

This is why I have a blog, Mom.

I like sharing what is going on with my life... To an extent. I can choose to share what I want and keep what I want. You've violated that. And for all I know you could choose to hold issues over on me and use it to your advantage. It's not fair to me, and I already am SO open with you.

Guess I have to go pre-teen here and find a hiding spot for it...

i pulled the whole "i'm late on rent cuz of you" excuse to my boss so he'd finally pay me. this morning is the moment of truth... supposedly anna and i are finally getting our cheques. we'll have to see if he pulls through cuz i've heard his line of "i'll meet you with your cheques" before.

it looks like thursday and friday are gonna be rain days. if that's the case, at least i have a couple of days to set up my room at mine and beth's. it's finally happening. beth and i are so frusterated, and we can't wait to start putting together our place. i would be going crazy if i was her. she's been living in the suite for the past couple weeks even though she can't technically do anything to set up [minus her room]. so i'm happy that it's finally getting sorted out.

there was a mis-communication with us yesterday, and i thought that i could move in. so i took maui and all of her stuff, got there and it still wasn't ready. so i had to leave maui... who's so freaked out :-( i'll be going back tonight though, i feel so bad for leaving her.

i'm excited for the weekend. i get to see some people who i haven't seen in a while, and celebrate melissa's 19th birthday! i'm feeling better than the weekend, so hopefully by friday i'll still be excited and ready to go out and have fun :-) it was so great to hear from erica :-) oh, and today's heather's last full day here for a while before she goes to NYC tomorrow!!!! i'm so jealous! she's going to have so much fun!

i hate not being able to sleep. i hate the feeling where your mind is awake but your body is tired. i hate having no money. i hate that i'm not moved in. i hate how i'm not happy. i hate how i can't speak my mind. i hate 32 foot ladders. i hate how i don't matter. i hate father's day.

I'm so freaking tired of getting dicked around with the housing situation and the job situation. It ends tomorrow.

Hey Lovely:

I love you if you're a size zero or a size 50; That will never change. And if you "gave me space" I wouldn't be able to stand being away from you.

Take a deep breath and remember all the people in your life who love you to bits and pieces. You don't have enough fingers for all the rings you would own. Or toes.

I hope your day was fantastic, and I hope tomorrow's even better.

it's days like this that i wish i had a desk job. or a rich husband. preferably the latter.

tonight was the most fun i've had in a long time... which really isn't saying much since i've been a hermit for the past couple weeks... but i had a good time. a group of us walk/ran at the "relay for life" at bear creek park. we put some energy drinks to good use and a few of us walked and ran for the first few hours and then chilled and had fun the rest of the time. they had music and games and karaoke. my sister kicked butt at this game that they did on stage called the "dating game", and had a whole bunch of guys cheering for her which was super funny. krissi and some of the other girls sang spice girls on stage. my brother and aaron tried several times to get the dj to find songs that they were going to do karaoke for... which he had none of unfortunatly. they finally settled on "rocket man" just as the cable cut out so they weren't able to preform but we were all looking forward to videotaping them up there. the people who put on the relay did an awesome job organizing it... it was fun seeing so many people there. and now we're going to sleep our saturday away. g'night!

i know that tomorrow's going to be a "rain day" so i stayed up late to watch "step up 2"... i can't resist dance movies :-P none of my friends [minus a select few] understand my love for hip hop. i still insist that my mom secretly listened to biggie and tupac while i was in her tummy! honestly, i liked the second "step up" movie better than the first dance-wise. and music-wise. the first had better acting. but c'mon, i'm watching a dance movie for the steps not the acting. k, bed... i've been tired all day, but i had to push through to pick the brother up and then thought WHY NOT to a movie. so i'm gonna kick my dog off MY bed and get some sleep before i'm woken up by my siblings in the morning.

It looks like every day except Thursday this week is going to be a "rain day". Rain days = not safe to work. Good news? Anna and I have finished our second house so that means two paycheques are coming our way soon. Plus I can sleep more! We're getting to know Coquitlam area really well :-P Yesterday we had lunch with our boss who shares our sense of humor, so it's really fun to hang out with him. We went to a BBQ on Friday in Vancouver... Kinda awkward for us since our boss was the only one we knew... The three other guys we work with didn't come so it was a whole bunch of people from the other teams around Vancouver and Coquitlam. But at least we're making a slight effort to be included in the work shinanigans.

The plan for me moving into my new Delta home [around 116th and 83rd] is hopefully going to be executed on the 14th of this month. Beth moved in on the 1st with her new kitten... The landlord's daughter's "stuff" is still piled up in my room, so I can't move in until she moves out. Which she's saying will be by the 14th so here's hoping.

My "secret" was posted on postsecret for this week!

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

[1 Corinthians 13:4-7]

I obviously don't love you like I thought I did.

...I just wanna move in already!

"Hey, where's my clothes?"
"I put them away."
...."Where?"
"In the closet."
"Oh."

I hate looking at you 'cuz it reminds me of her every single time I do.

lesson of the night: chocolate fudge geleto is dangerous if consumed in large quantites. it's super hard to concentrate on pictionary after eating that!

I hate headaches that just won't seem to go away. I swear I've overdosed on this friggin' no name painkiller bottle and still there's just this constant pounding. I guess these are what migranes feel like?

It's weird not really knowing the night before if i'll be working the next day. I've marked the weather network website as a favorite, but Anna and I won't know until maybe 7:45 in the morning whether we'll be working or not. Unfortunatly, painting houses depends on if it's raining or not.

Last night I had a dream which I remembered parts of when I woke up. I was preggers and I gave birth to a boy... Instead of at a hospital it was at my grandparents' old beach house. And I remember wanting to name the boy I had Aidan but then couldn't decide between Aidan and Adrian. While in Edmonton, we talked a lot about dreams and their meanings so I looked up what giving birth might mean.

"To dream of giving birth or see someone else giving birth, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents new beginnings or some upcoming event. A more direct interpretation of this dream, may represent your desires/ anxieties of giving birth or the anticipation for such an event to occur." [This is taken off a site called Dream Moods.]

So considering I'm currently not expecting... Yes, suprise suprise... That definitition is pretty much on the nose. There's a lot of stress in my life right now, and I didn't really think of moving as one of them. But I guess somewhere in my subconcious, I'm thinking about it.

If you're interested in knowing more about dreaming and sleep cycles and all that fun stuff, you should check out . It's a really fun tool if you can remember what you've dreamed about or even if you're just curious about it.

i heart second moms & second homes & comfort words.

i'm so ready for a day full of rest! these next couple of weeks are gonna be difficult, and i'm full of apprehension and already feeling stressed out :-P but that's probably because i haven't felt this tired in a long freakin' time. laya and paul's wedding was amazing, i haven't had so much fun in a while! it was an awesome expierence and everyone had so much fun supporting them! i'm so excited to go through facebook pictures of the ceremony and reception. but that'll wait for tomorrow because crashing is next on my list of things to do!

i keep replaying a certain spill canvas song in my head. it's bothering me. a ton. especially when i'm tired and iritable and just want to get you out of my head.

bestest friend in the world award goes to...

i'm sitting at the computer.
daniel comes up to me.
looks down.
there's $40 sitting right next to me.
he picks it up.
he looks at it.
he puts it in his mouth.
he chews on it a bit.
then he says "ew" and spits it out.
you had to be there.

thanks for driving out to come be with me. i'm at my lowest and you're always there. always. you know when something's up, and you put me in top priority to make sure i'm okay. i honestly can't express to you how much that means to me. to know i always have someone.

& thanks to the people i talked to at church & at lunch for recognizing that i'm not feeling great. it's encouraging to me to even be asked a simple question like "how are you doing". thank you for the love, and i know i'll feel better by next weekend. it's hard to admit publicly that I'm feeling depressed and super low. so i'm gonna get in bed and tomorrow will be a new day :-) hopefully sunny!

ps. my brother plays acoustic guitar & sings... and he's good. and by good i mean fantastic. he's playing right now and it sounds awesome. i'm really happy to hear that him and his close friends are supporting each other with their music, and it really is so freaking sweet to hear and watch them all do their thing. i'm so excited for them!

keep me in your thoughts.

the only word that's coming into my head right now is a swear word.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
Cause my pride is too sly to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I've had some time alone to hold my lies inside me
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
Tongue tied to a hating factory

But we all got wood and nails
Your tortured (and hanging) factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
Your tortured (and hanging) factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

i made a good choice this morning.

i began feeling depressed and upset,
my mind doing it's own thing.
i went back to bed and was crying
and trying to keep my mind off
what was upsetting me, but i just
kept thinking and crying and trying
to get back to sleep.

but then i thought, what is this
accomplishing? i'm gonna make myself
feel even worse just staying in bed
and overthinking things. so i got up,
made coffee and i feel so much
better! plus there's a special on
tv about twins which, [if you know
me] makes me really happy.
so yey for me, yey for coffee, yey
for twins, and yey god for giving
me that push to just get up.

Pictures from back in the day!

i like having friends who i can call, completly break down, and know that i'm still 125% loved by them. thanks, girly.

i guess i should start training my body to go back into normal sleeping patterns, eh? it's just too easy to keep it how it is.

for the record, i'm trying really hard. REALLY hard. but when i come home and find out you haven't even bothered to listen to your voicemail, it kinda make me feel like OH OK, WHY BOTHER?! i really really really want this job. it's perfect for the summer and for my lifestyle. i hope you recognize how hard i'm trying to keep myself in your good graces.

& yes i know i keep missing your call! ugh, we need to like, set up a "red bucket" forum online so we can just talk about stuff whenever we happen to be online. a private one that we can all talk with each other.

i realized today how weird it's gonna be for me to live on my own in a month. i'm so social and i love being around people and hanging out. it's gonna be sad just chilling out with myself... and my cat.

i'm crashing at my mom's house tonight cuz i was deathly afraid of falling asleep at the wheel.

...yet it seems not all THAT tired since i've been on this friggin' laptop which take three minutes to load one page.

good news is that i'm feeling way better than yesterday and the day before. blaugh, i don't like being sick, especially when there's so much to do. at least i didn't cop out and spend these past couple days in bed. i wanted to! but i pushed through and rewarded myself late last night with just laying in bed, drinking peppermint tea, and watching chitty chitty bang bang [a mcburnie classic].

it's really annoying to me that my bc friends feel too uncomfortable... or whatever... to call me at my dad's and that i keep missing my edmonton friends' calls. i can't call you guys back 'cuz i don't have a phone card and my dad doesn't have a long distance plan. i miss you though :-( my life really is different here... even though it's only been a week.

tonight i snuck into the music room at zion and got to hear the tail end of some of the youth practising songs. needless to say [you'll already understand if you know these kids], i was wowed. i'm so excited to see what they have planned!

and anyone who reads this who knows krissi... PLEASE bug her to go see a doctor. she's still feeling sick. and pray for her.

I've been sitting here listening to Jann Arden trying to get myself in a "blogging mood"... I have so much to say but my head wouldn't shut up enough for me long enough to write anything! That's probably BECAUSE I'm listening to Jann Arden which only reminds me of Jenn which reminds me of Regan which reminds me of Hanna which reminds me of the Red Bucket which reminds me of happy times that I miss. So I'm gonna put on Soulja Boy and hope I can get something relatively interesting down here.

Although I miss Edmonton [okay, not actually Edmonton, just my girls], I feel like me being here has been confirmed as a great thing over and over again. I'm so used to being around people all the time that this alone time is a bit overwhelming and my daydreaming and thinking have been working triple time and I can barely keep up with myself! But life is good. I'm really excited doors keep opening for me!

My constant struggle with gaining a relationship with God is still there. I have to be honest, I can't change my life overnight. But I'm really encouraged by the feedback I've been getting, and the oppertunities and support from other people. I've been doing a lot of reading [thanks, Jenn!] and am super stoked to jump into relationships where other people can benefit off of me! These past months I've had so much encouragment and so many questions answered and am SO thankful that they've opened my eyes and given me a lot to think about.

On another note, last night was fun... It was great seeing people who I haven't seen in a while! I'm stoked to gain new friendships, work on old ones, and be around my siblings. I have to enjoy Johanna while I can because she'll be moving to the Island in September! YEY SUMMER!

i'm home.
it feels weird to say i'm "home" and meaning...bc
home was edmonton for so long & i've gotten used
to saying home = edmonton.
life is never dull, eh?
i have lots to catch up on
& i'm leaving lots behind.
bittersweet.
change & choices
hope i've made the right one.

change.
i hate that word.

i'm back at work, but have put in my two weeks as i'm NOT able to transfer to the new west office. i might end up applying anyway, but i have other ideas for the summer. so come fall, i'm hoping that there will be spots available for westjet. if not, i'll apply to telus.

anyway... i feel crappy, suddenly today i'm all stuffed up, YET have a runny nose, headache... the whole glorious nine yards. at least i wasn't sick while i was at home! t minus fourteen days!

These past few days have been amazing. Scratch that, the whole time I've been home everyone has been amazing and I've been having SO much fun catching up with so many people! Last night was awesome... It was so great witnessing just the first of many friends getting married! The "Final Countdown" part was halarious, and Aubri looked drop dead goregous. Plus it was great catching up with friends who I haven't seen in a long time!

Sooo we hit up the Vancouver airport tonight. We checked to see how much it would cost to spend a night at the Fairmount... around $360! Man if I was spending a month's rent on one night in a hotel I wouldn't even sleep! Gotta make it worth it.

I also got to lounge on a mattress, drink beer, and watch Russel Peters. I mean, what could beat that? Well add a certain red-haired Irish girl to the mix and it becomes GOLD. Oh my goodness, we're halarious.

I realized tonight that we're all totally classic. No matter how much time I spend away from this place, I come back and I just love love love the company of my friends. And it's been pretty amazing!

I love how it's like the same thing every late night we're out... You say you're tired, and you wanna go to bed. So in my head I'm like, alright I'm tired too.... But you KNOW I gotta push for more time out just 'cuz. I got home and I'm like, oh man we do this all the time. Have the raddest time and then we get "fake mad" and try and out-do each other. I just want you to give in! It'll happen... 'Cuz I'M the greatest.

Last night was also one of the greatest nights of my life. I honestly wish I could just hire someone to follow us around and tape everything that happens. Cereal, who knew two 15 year old boys could be THAT entertaining? And adding the rest of us in just made the night so much fun! It was TOTS worth the lack of sleep!

Anyway, off to bed... The siblings will be waking up in a few hours to go to school :-P Darn, I have to sleep in.

You know you love me.

best.frickin.night.ever.

Looking for someone who wants to room with me. I'm finding a place for early June. May is even better if that works out. Looking for a place close to transit. [Preferably sky train]. My price range [my half of rent & utilities] is up to $700.

I'm so done with it.

Shorter version stolen from Regan via Amber

Ten things to say to ten different people:

1] Even after all the shit I've put you through, you've stuck with me through "thick n thin', and I'm so sorry for hurting you. I love you through all everything, you will always be the ONE person in this world I can call my best friend.

2] I wish that I could face you and tell you with all certainty that although I'd never thought you beautiful before, you are truly a goregous person. You've taught me so much, and I really am forever in debt to you.

3] You aren't happy. You convince yourself of this... But why put yourself through this when you can do SO much better?

4] So many awesome memories, so many skipped classes, so many laughs. I love you tons and I'm so excited to see how life pans out for us. I'm glad I can count on you for a good coffee talk.

5] I cling to every piece of advice you give me. You encourage me when I'm feeling at my worst, and everything just makes sense when I talk to you, and I respect you so much.

6] You've made the transition of becoming independant fun! I love the early morning wake ups, the talks, and I'm excited to see what happens in the boy department :-P

7] A year ago, you had the title of best friend's girlfriend. Now I'm so happy to call you one of my best friends! I'm so glad we were able to tackle this city together and have so much fun.

8] We could talk for hours obsessing over "what this meant" and crying to one another. You're beautiful and I'm so happy you're with me for the rest of my life!

9] Whoever thought that the little girl next door would grow into one of the most halarious people I know! I'm so glad to have you in my life... However far apart from each other we are. I wish I was coming to the Big City with you!!!!

10] I'm so freaking proud of every little thing you do. You amaze me every time we talk with how mature you're getting!

11] We survived Hell together, we can survive anything. You're funny and can lighten up any situation. So many inside jokes, I wouldn't even know where to start!

12] You were my first real love, and I'm glad we have such a deep connection. I hope one day we'll be arguing about which of our families' will host Christmas dinner. Between us we'll have a full hockey team of kids, right?

13] You always have encouraging advice for me. I love catching up with you and discussing boy issues. No one else will ever be able to scare me with a certain test that happened to be taken in Taco Bell.

14] I know that you'll go far with your life. You can put anything you put your mind to. You've made some amazing friends and I'm so happy with the relationship that we have.

15] I miss you, and I wish I had the guts to re-connect with you.

Dear Nameless,

It hurts me when I see you cry. It hurts me that you don't see
how much you're being hurt. It hurts me when you're angry
at one more thing that they've done to you. It hurts me that
you don't see you're in a bad relationship. It hurts me that
there are many better things out there.

They tell you to drop it, to move on. They don't get why you
can't just forget it and set your sights on another.

I understand.

But there's a light at the end of this hole of a relationship.
I hope you can eventually realize that it's not worth the
hurt and ignorance. Things will get better. They believed
in me, I believe in you.

Love, Share

Although I know there are a lot of things beyond my control [what? really?!], there is the occasional goal that I can work towards. In five years I will be 26 years old, which will come fast considering I feel like I was in the eleventh grade just yesterday. Hopefully I will have these following goals accomplished or at least worked on by then.

*** Completely out of debt with student loans & the ongoing bank withdraw machine called "Mom"

*** Get hired by a non-profit organization

*** Go on a trip overseas [this hopefully to be included with the non-profit]

*** Figure out what I want to do carer-wise

*** Either be in school or graduating if I need a degree for the carer I end up choosing

*** Find permanent residence in the lower mainland

*** Be healthy

*** Complete therapy [Or at least start going!]

*** Find a hair color that suits me :-P

I'm sitting here at work, feet up, headphones in, Panic at the Disco telling me to swear to shake it up. Oh the things I have to endure for a paycheque. Poor me. I have a call every five minutes or so asking for a cab company here, a pizza place there... You'd be suprised at how many drunk Canadians there are out there on a weekday! And lots of lonely people who [for the hell of it] call the operator. Already tonight I've been told that love will find me in 3 to 6 months, that the sound of my two palms rubbing together is sexy [WTF!], and just general flirting so I don't bill them [If they flirt, I bill them twice! Jk jk!]

Oh, Panic at the Disco. Totally bring back memories from when I was in grade 12! Driving to grad pictures, fearing we might be late due to traffic, not really actually worrying about it! I've said this many times... I love LOVE LOVE hearing a song that bring back a particular memory!

As annoying, horrific and lame high school was, there's a lot of great memories I've stored up from "the teen years], especially grades 11 and 12.

I always rolled my eyes and played being overjoyed when anyone older took me on a "trip down memory lane". I'd nod and smile when shown an old classroom, school, neighborhood from their past... Appeasing them by laughing and nodding at the right places, really not caring all that much.

Now I've become that person! Trips back to FVC always include sentences that start with, "When I was here..." and "This is so different from when..." I laughed when I saw my old locker still in the same messy state that I had it in, sat on the carpeted stands near the drama room where we would practice our lines [or goof off], and showed off where our designated lunch spot was.

I remember a lot of Kayla-teasing... Including "he lifts me up!" I still have no idea what that means. Many art classes where we would laugh way too much, avoiding the stare of our freaky grizzly bear art teacher, and hear Josh teasing Laya... And he could do it with only ONE word... LEVENTE! Bible class was boring, yet tolerable for Kayla and I with the guys that tag-teamed with each other against our Ellen Dejenerous teacher. And I'll never forget some of our "mentoring" times with Josh! And who can forget those bus rides...

See what Panic at the Disco starts??

what do you do when...

you like a boy.
he has a girlfriend.
his girlfriend is awesome.
dammit.

This year has been one of the first years in a long time that I have many female, close friends surrounding me. And I really appreciate it! Don't get me wrong, it's great having guy friends in your life, but this is the first time I've been completely surrounded by females both here and in B.C.

I've come to really rely on another female's opinion. It's very true that girls just PLAIN understand one another. A guy can nod and smile, agreeing with what you say, but rarely do they speak up with their opinion... rather keeping their mouths shut. Probably in fear that we'll start picking apart every sentence word by word, facial expression, and every movement. Which will, in turn, confuse us more we'll just end up going back to our own sex in hopes that one of them will be able to help us pick apart and explain "what he meant by that was..."

Someone told me earlier this year that it was basically impossible to be good friends with a man. I can really nod and agree with that sentence. Of course, it's easier when said friend has a significant other... There's no confusion, there's no sexual pressure. But where do you draw that line with a single guy? What if there's tension on one end, even both ends? That's not really a friendship to me. Because that person will always have an alternative reason to being your friend. Is it possible to be good friends with a single man? I used to think so... And what ABOUT the whole relationship thing? I'd love to be friends before I reach the status of "couple". Did I just completely vito my previous statement?

Well, until further research I will remain relying on my girlfriends!

Thank you for the phone calls, by the way. I love you!

A friendship goes two ways.
A friendship is honest.
A friendship involves effort.
A friendship shouldn't make you feel like crap.


"I think he may have wanted me to break it off with him so he didn't have to

but I kept trying to make it work and I think he got fed up."


I think it's time.

have you ever had a night where you just lay in bed and a whole bunch of past memories come flooding into your head? except they're not just any old memory. they're memories that you've never thought of before, things that you'd forgotten or blocked out of your mind. a few nights ago, i was laying in bed and i was suffocating with repressed memories. some things were good, most were not so good and it made me remember a lot of stuff that i didn't particularly want to remember.

i remembered sitting in pre-k with our musical intruments... we would sit on the mats that were formed into an egg-shaped circle and sing and play.

i remembered sitting in a psychratrist's office with my mom trying to explain how "it made me feel".

i remembered the night when i knew that you loved me.

i remembered bus rides and lunches where you excluded me and made me feel so bad that i counted out 30 pills into my hand.

i remembered craving your love because everyone thought you were the bestest friend.

i remembered the feeling of extreme shame as i became one of the people that i strain to look at as i walk by.

i remembered feeling completly and utterly betrayed by you.

i remembered the talk that i had with you the day before i lost something dear to me.

i remembered blowing off math and having some of the best times i've ever had in high school.

i remembered seeing you on "tv" and drawing polar bears and having meaningless talks about the future.

i remembered my first "almost kiss" and how it made me feel.


then i remembered how far of come since all of then, and i fell asleep.

This song by Taylor Swift explains how I used to hold on and feel. It's refreshing to have this as my first fond memory of a boy, and I'm excited for different up and coming memories that one day I'll be lovingly writing in a blog or journal. And yes, it's not Drew McKay :-P This is the name Taylor uses in the song.




Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

i've found a way to make my job bareable!
take night shifts and bring a book or my lappy!
it's way less stressful...
so i'm changing my pref card for nights.
woot.
hopefully that works out better.
plus if i work nights i dont' have to spend
money on the bus since we get free cabs.
why didn't i think of this before?
it's crazy just as i'm like UGH i can't
take this anymore...
life's like it's ok share. here's a solution.
this takes care of a few more blips too.
people still stress me out on the phone
but it's wayyyy more bareable and i don't
freak out. i'll just have to get used to
a different sleeping schedule.

i don't want to blame anything on a sickness
if that's not the case, but i think something
may be chemically imbalanced in my brain.
i don't have depression... maybe i can just
blame it on pms lol. but i go from being
extremely happy to confused in 2.0
i think a lot of it has to do with my financial
situation, and i'm doing a lot better now
but i still have a long way to go.
thus my decision to stay in edmonton.
i don't have the finances to move back,
i have it really good here with the rent that
i pay, the roomies that i have. we'll see
where i'm at in april 2009 or closer to then.

jenn and i will be gradually making our house
into "our own"... the spare bedroom [that
eventually will be spare... it's occupied by
one of my roomies right now :-P] will become
our tv/comp/spare room. it'll be crazy going
from five girls and a baby to
three and a baby! all this moving
and such will be taking place at the end of
april. regan and becca will be moving out as
of may 1st, unfortunatly. but it'll be okay,
we'll still see each other. hopefully they
will find a place close to the LRT station
so they'll be easy to get to!

lots of change happening within the next couple
of months... it also includes two trips home
for me for weddings! that's quite exciting,
two of my friends getting married. it'll be
the first weddings of my close friends i've
had growing up. i'm quite excited to be a part
of that. ALSO i'm hoping josh and jodi will
maybe be moving to edmonton in the summer.
fingers crossed for that, i miss jodi a lot
and of course josh.

i'm very blessed with great friends back home.
i love that even though i'm here in edmonton,
i have them supporting me from back home.
not even including my family, i really enjoyed
getting all the snail mail, emails and YEY
presents recently because of my birthday.
i'm STILL getting goodies dropped off, so it's
quite exciting! thanks for the support and
thoughts :-) i promise i will get to calling
the ones who i've said i would catch up with...
it's hard with the whole you work, i sleep,
i work, you work, you're out, i'm in thing. lol.
i WILL keep trying :-P

OhhhhHHH my goodness, you spoiled brat. Ever heard of cutting the cord? You need to frickin' cut it already. Count down.

i'm so damn frusterated with my work. i can't be here anymore. i love some of the people i work with, but it's just NOT what i want to do. there's so many things that i hate. at first it seemed like the perfect job cuz it wasn't like anything i had ever done before. now because of certain things i can't help, i just get continually frusterated and i actually have to do breathing exercises between calls to calm me down. i sound so mental, but i really hate doing this. love the people and the way we're treated and the system... but i can't be here anymore.

happy birthday, jo!
i can't believe you're 18
cuz it honestly feels like
just yesterday
i was graduating high school.
i can't wait to see you grad!
hope this year is wonderful
and exciting with the upcoming
decisions you'll be making.

so i can't wait until summer. like, i realize that although these next few months will go by fast, i'm still excited for the summer. i have a rad couple months coming up. jo's coming back here around the middle of march, then i go back home in the beginning of april... AND i also get to visit in may and june and then sometime in the summer! i'm so stoked to see my family and friends again. last time i was back was SO much fun!!! i know my job's super boring but i'm lucky to be able to travel back and forth so much!

it's crazy how you take someone away from the atmosphere you're used to or add someone and it completly changes. siiiigh.

This past weekend was fantastic. Having my sister here was pure amazement. We toured around Edmonton, ate pizza, watched a whole lot of Across the Universe, listened to a whole lot of the soundtrack of Across the Universe, expierenced the Tunnel of Doom and Purple City. Bestest birthday present ever having her here!

I kinda want to stay in bed for a week and just listen to Bono. Write a ton, smoke a lot, eat leftover ice cream.

Below is one of my favorite songs from Across the Universe. It's basically impossible to choose which one is my fav so I'll just give you one of many!

that I'm losing you.

Well, it looks as if I can do no right.

I try at my job to do the best I can. Occasionally I am recognized for that effort... Most of the time I'm called on what I've been doing wrong. Just when I day happens that I think I've been spectacular at my job, I get the "Share, could you come talk to me?" And I know it can't be a good talk.

I'm trying harder at home. I get frusterated a lot, and I'm trying to teach myself NOT to bitch about problems to other people, but go directly to the source. But I get accused of things that I didn't do and it's fairly frusterating seeing as I'm really starting to try and improve how I deal with things.

There's some days where I just want to close myself in my room, lock my door and be like OKAY OUTSIDE WORLD, I refuse to face you. But fortuneatly [YES, fortuneatly] for me, that's not the way it works. And I've been blessed with someone in my life who has been attempting to teach me that for the past 6 months.

I don't like my job. Love the people I work with, but I don't like my job. I have to make that public...

I opened a piece of mail today marked from home, and it was a birthday card from my cat!

On the front, it says "Behind every cold, icy stare, there's love" And then inside, "Happy Birthday from the cat". There's some attempts at paw prints on the inside as well, with a little "PS": Mommy put something on my left paw to sign this card. Doesn't she know I'm right-pawed?? I was really miffed when she tried to wash it off - I have my own ways of dealing with cleanup. And I broke the water cooler, just to show her. Tell her to get a grip. I can communicate just fine without HER help.

Hehehe, I love my Mom. That card totally made my day!

On another note, we at the Convent have a phone line!!! I'm currently without a cell phone, probably until next September. So our home phone is my number now! And it's totally exciting... We have long distance so I'll be able to phone home whenever I want! You guys are gonna get sick of me calling all the time, especially my family :-P So that's what is new and exciting for me! Other than that, two more days until I see my siiiiister! She's coming Thursday morning with Steph so we're gonna have an awesome "Share's birthday weekend" ;-) I'm totally stoked!!!!

"It's like dying of obesity when you can't even have a bite of the cake." -Daniel

Turn out the light
Just say goodnight, to yourself
May I remind you
When you find you, you're all alone is when you've got to be strong
Cause that's when they call you, in the night
He's got your picture in his mind
He's got your number on a paper at his disposal anytime

Is it really true
Could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
So many times we just give it away, to someone who
Someone who you met in bar
The back of a car
And for a moment you felt important but not in your heart
My self esteem, it's been low, go ahead and count it's been lower than low
I know the feeling of it stealing life out from under me
I want to learn, how you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
So many times we just give it away to someone who, couldn't even remember your name
Could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you, loves me for me
Give it away to someone who someone who will cherish your name

Cause I want to learn, can you save yourself for
Someone who will love you for you so many times we
Just give it away, someone who, couldn't even remember your name
You save yourself for someone who, loves you for you,
Loves me for me
Give it away to someone who, someone who will
Cherish your name
Cherish your name

I'm definitley feeling homesick today. I miss my brother and sister so much! I get to see Jo in less than two weeks 'cuz she's coming to visit for my birthday, but I won't be able to see Daniel until late April. 3 months isn't that bad, it could have been longer, so I'm greatful that I get to go back before the summer starts to see my family again. But I still miss them.

I have so much anger inside of me right now. It's a weird feeling and I wish I could just take some happy pills and feel better. Unfortunatly, that's not the way it works. I'm struggling through these feelings that are making it hard for me to enjoy where I am. And while I'm struggling, it's making me mad. Probably doesn't help that I was sick later on in the week and don't feel like I've really recovered. Minus last night, I've been in my PJ's all weekend.

This is not how I pictured where I would be in my personal life. I'm so different from other people my age. I mean, yeah we're all at different points but I feel so cheated. Which in turn, makes me angry. Ultimately I have all these choices to make... Choices that will determine who I am and what I do, and I'm angry that I have to make these choices in the first place. Why is being human so frusterating? Why can't I be more happy for other people rather than wallowing in my own shortcomings? I get to a hump in the road and it just seems like it's this continuous potholed road. One thing after another.

I'm tired of doors slamming.

Jenn, Regan, and I are just lounging around on the couches in the living room watching "Ghost Whisperer"... I have barely followed the story line. Really, it's kinda lame as far as I can tell. But Jenn and Regan might argue that one since they're actually into it. We put Maddie down a while ago... Pretty sure she's out for the night. She's teething more, her cheeks are so red and she's really whiney.

Things have changed a bit in The Convent. I've moved upstairs to Amber's old room and Hanna and Maddie have moved into my room. So we're now 5 girls and a baby. It's nice having Hanna here and fun seeing Maddie grow.

Last night was a bit scary for me. I had really bad pains in my stomach and started having a panic attack. At the time, I was sitting in my room reading a book, and suddenly it felt like I was falling asleep but I couldn't wake myself up. I remember thinking that maybe I had overdosed on advil, and I couldn't feel. I actually thought to myself that I was going to die. It was that bad. I'm pretty sure I scared the crap out of all my roomies... They sat with me until I had settled down, gave me a T3 and eventually I fell asleep. But whoo, it was scary and I didn't remember exactly what happened. They thought it might have been a night terror or a panic attack... I don't know what it was, but I hope it never freaking happens again!

On the upside, it's only 13 days until my sister comes and visits me!!! I'm so stoked to see her and excited to show her my home! Maybe she'll even look into Concordia [that's wishful thinking though :-P].

SHOUT OUT to Neal and Heather who have their birthdays TODAY! Awesome, gotta love those February birthdays!!!

I just found some blog entries from an old Nexopia account from three-ish years ago. I thought I would post one of the little diddies I did and then do it again for what I'm feeling right now.

March 26th, 2005

::I Am:: A girl -scared of growing up- in a woman's body.
::I Will:: Learn to appreciate changes.
::I Miss:: Care-free summer days with no worries.
::I Hear:: Myself crying at any time.
::I Smell:: Bannik bread, the ocean, dusty roads.
::I Have:: Many wants, but not needs.
::I Trust:: My mom's feelings above my own.
::I Worry:: That I will never experience a guy's love.
::I Regret:: Not telling Felicia that I loved her.
::I Love:: Talking with S & G
::I Dance:: When I'm alone, knowing I look ridiculous, but not caring.
::I Sing:: All the time, it makes me happy.
::I Can't Stand:: The way you make me feel when you're with her.
::I Loose:: All control.
::I Like:: Daydreaming about other times.
::I Listen to:: You like I'm a sponge sucking up water. I want to know more.
::I Need:: To get motivated.
::I Know:: That people care about me. Even if that's not you.
::I Hope:: That I will be beautiful in Your eyes.
::I hate:: Being left out.
::I am always:: Thinking about how this could be different.
::I want to:: Understand what you're thinking.
::I Crave:: A love that no friend could give.

Today

::I Am:: Feeling like I need to do something BIG.
::I Will:: Gradually figure out what's best for me.
::I Miss:: Your smell.
::I Hear:: Voices in my head [not scary ones!]
::I Smell:: Banana pancakes
::I Have:: So much love to give.
::I Trust:: That I will turn out alright.
::I Worry:: I went overboard.
::I Regret:: Not telling you what I truely think.
::I Love:: My roomies who keep me sane!
::I Dance:: When I feel like it.
::I Sing:: Not as much as I used to.
::I Can't Stand:: How manipulative you are.
::I Loose:: My head when I think.
::I Like:: When you smile.
::I Listen to:: Country music and Jan Arden.
::I Need:: To know that it's gonna be okay.
::I Know:: That this is where I need to be.
::I Hope:: That I find true romance.
::I Hate:: The roller coaster ride.
::I am always:: Regreting things I've said and done.
::I want to:: Get inside your head.
::I Crave:: Acceptance.

I got on the bus this morning, used my bus pass... then somehow lost my wallet from the time I used it on the bus until I went to get back ON the bus this afternoon.

I quickly scrambled back up to our floor, frantically searching with no success. Finally, I went back to the bus station hoping to beg my way on.

After missing two buses since I'd offically gotten off work, two pull up at the same time and I picked the first. I explained to the driver that I had lost my wallet with my money and bus pass in it, and thankfully he was merciful to me and let me stay on.

As we were nearing my stop, I asked him about a lost and found number that I could call to ask about my wallet just in case it had been left on the bus I took in the morning.

He reaches beside him and pulls out my wallet. "It wouldn't happen to be this one would it?" NO WAY!

I missed two buses, had the choice of getting on another two, and my wallet just so happened to be on that particular bus out of like 30 different ones. How cool is that?!?

Picture this:

You get up ten minutes earlier than you usually would, just do that you can add three more layers to your work ensemble. Making sure you're wearing two pairs of sock, you pull and zip up your boots, grab your purse wearing gloves and minutes and reach for the door handle. Bracing yourself, you pull the door open to find you really should have water-proofed your boots before Christmas. You adjust your touque over your ears and step into snow that almost reaches past your boots, freezing wind trying to push you back into the house, and snow flying up everywhere, clinging to every part of your body... especially [it seems], your uncovered face!

You start your treck down the walkway [it was JUST shoveled!], making a pitiful path. You breathe out your mouth, and your lungs feel like they may choke you. You breathe out your nose, and your nose hairs freeze instantly leaving you really wanting to pick it but NO you wouldn't dare taking your hands out of your pocket! You make it to the bus stop only to find it packed with people, and out of courtesy [and fear of a crowd of people in a place that measures 5 feet by 7 feet], you stand next to it, hoping that somehow it may shield you from the icy coldness and snow that is yes, still blowing into your face.

WELCOME TO MY MORNING.

Did I mention that it went down to -46 today? No? Well it did!!!!

I love the snow, I love the snow, I love the snow...

** He's got the ultimate situation: A great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or NOT see whenever he wants to.

** "Fear of intimacy" is an URBAN MYTH. Just something said when guys aren't into you.

** There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he's your boyfriend.

** Pets are God's way of saying, "Don't lower the bar just 'cuz you're lonely."

** Don't let your desire to be loved cloud your judegment while drinking.

** Love cures commitment-phobia!

** There's a guy out there who wants to marry YOU!

** Cut him off... Let him miss you.

** You are NOT easily forgotten. Let him find you when he's ready!


A guy says he doesn't want to be with you. Sometimes that guy realizes he's made the biggest mistake of his life. And then sometimes he doesn't. EITHER WAY your only job is to move on with you life and fast!

Life has had its ups and downs for me in the past couple years... Or since I've entered puberty, specifically :-P. One part of my life going on a "don't eat before this" rollar coaster ride is my faith life.

Oh, I've had the highs. I've definitly hit the lows. A man who I respect touched on the subject with me a while back. He said, "I know you haven't given up Christianity, Sharon. I see you stuggling and thinking through things. If you weren't struggling or thinking, then I would be worried." It's always been there... Or rather He's always been there. I just haven't been putting in the effort of forming a personal relationship with him EVER in my adult life.

It's really helped me... Being here in Edmonton... I was able to cut a lot of things that weren't exactly helping me with the whole "jesus is my friend" thing. I love being around my roomies and having discussions with them. They've been through at least nine years of Christian schooling between the two of them, they were both involvedat their churches, and have both participated in ministries. They've been my age, most likely confused about life just as much as I am and have been. I've learned a lot from them already and will continue to do so as I live here.

My short term goal [for however long it takes... Maybe it should be my long term goal :-P] is to really sit down and figure out what I want for my life. I know I want to be financially stable, get everything that needs to be payed off and dealt with. Figure out what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to surround myself with. And God will defs be one of those relationships I'll be surrounding myself with.

Please keep me and my struggles in your thoughts.

...3 out of every 4 Anberlin songs describe exactly how i'm feeling at this moment!? It's kinda cool, but damn it can be depressing! Am I the only centimental person who takes lyrics and totally blows it into my own life?? Oh I know I'm walking into a "OH GOSH YOU'RE GIRLY" trap. But, man alive. I think it's time to take Anberlin OUT of the C.D. player...

I'm back from B.C., after being able to spend almost 2 weeks there! I already miss a ton of people and it's only my first full day of being home home. It's really nice being back and having Jenn and Regan around though. Like I told a million people while I was home, I wish both places would just be in one and I could have everyone I loved around me.

I watched so many movies while I was back... I think Juno won for the best movie though. It was soooo good, I'm excited for it to come out on DVD so I can show Jenn and Regan cuz they'll love it.

I have a lot to say about being home, I accomplished some stuff that I was meaning to do for a while now. I had some great nights out with my friends and my siblings who I love a ton and already miss them like crazy. More later about being home!

And in this moment I am happy... HAPPY
IIiiii wish you were here
IIIIIIiiiiiiii wish you were here
IIiiii wish you were here
IIIIIIiiiiiiii wish you were... here

And in this moment I am happy... HAPPY
HERE.

I started really thinking about how I'm coming home for my dad's wedding in a week this morning. I was suprised and happy to open my email this afternoon and discover that people have written me about my time coming home! Guess it's time to start scheduling again! I'm so stoked to be home again, this time [hopefully] for a longer stay of nine days [depending on if I get my last two shifts traded off].

Regan told Jenn and I today that she had a feeling 2008 was going to be a great year. And you know what? I think so too. I feel really good about this coming year, that things are slowly but surely coming together for me. I'm coming over the hump of my financial troubles and things should definitley go smoother after that!

Before I started writing this, I realized something pretty entertaining: I'm sitting on the mattress we have in our living room. It's here semi-perm. because people are over all the time... And since Amber moved out they've been keeping her room empty for the same purpose... It's nice knowing we have a house that people feel comfortable staying over. I feel like the four of us are really doing well together and we are all friendly and welcoming people.

Last night we had a roomies night... We went to the theatre [shock! we never go see movies!], and saw P.S. I Love You. Now granting, if you keep up with my blog you'll have noticed that I've already seen it. BUT it was even better the second time. It's fantastic and I have NOTHING bad to say about it. Everyone should go see it. It was fun to get out and go see a movie with all my roomies... we don't usually ALL go out at the same time... We usually entertain people here together. So nice bonding time, and they showed me the greatest place to see the best scenery of Edmonton. I can't wait until Jo gets here so I can show it off to her. It's so goregous!

Wow, 2008. Life is crazy. This past year has been a very important part of my life growing up. I appreciate everything that happened, all the lessons learned, all the fun times that I've expierenced in 2007.

It's very nice to be back home. It was absolutely wonderful to be in B.C. for Christmas... I love being around my family and close friends. It looks like I might be getting NINE days to come home for my Dad's wedding. Don't know if Regan will be able to come with me or not yet. Depends on her job situation.

I feel like I didn't get enough time with some of my close friends so it will be awesome to go out and really hang out one on one with them. P.S. I Love You is like one of the best movies I've seen in theatres in a while... Next to Dan in Real Life of course. I highly suggest you see it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

)Where did you begin 2007?
I spent it out my house with Beth and my brother I do believe.

2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Very very single yet flirty.

3) Were you in school anytime this year?
The first three months :-S

4) How did you earn your money?
Boston Pizza and KFC/Taco Bell

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Nope

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
Yes

7) Where did you go on holiday?
Creation in Washington.

8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
Hahaha, NOTHING.

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Graham and Leah Kullman

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Nope

12) Did you move anywhere?
Edmonton :-)

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Wow, the only concert that comes to mind was Drew's in Calgary. Oh and of course all the concerts at Creation.

15) Are you registered to vote?
Only in BC

16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
Me

17) Where do you live now?
Edmonton in The Convent.

18) Describe your birthday.
We went to Red Robin and then to the Vanilla Room afterwards

19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
MOVE AWAY from my family

20) What has been your favorite moment this year?
Hmmm... I have quite a few. My birthday, Geoff coming home, Creation, Me coming home for Christmas

21) What's something you learned about yourself?
I'm stronger than I believed I ever would be and so proud of myself.

22.) Any new additions to your family?
Everyone in the Convent.

23.) What was your best month?
MARCH!

24.) What music will you remember 2007 by?
Hahaha... Avril Lavigne-Girlfriend

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Bah ha ha, too many to count. Erica, Tyler, Lesley, Jo, Jodi, Jenn, Regan... Beth when we actually drink.

26) Made new friends?
YES.

27) Best NEW friend?
Oh man, there's too many. All my girlies here and a few of the boys ;-)

28) Favorite Night out?
Going to the Mirage in February... The Union in November...

29) 3 people you've dated this year?
HA, I can't name one let alone 3

30) have you kissed any of the three from q.29?
Uh, no.

31) kiss any one of the same sex?
MMyes...

33) something you look forward to before 2008?
Getting myself financially secure, going to Disneyland, visiting friends in BC.

34) where did you start 2008?
We were on the bridge watching fireworks and eating cupcakes