Share's Sharing

There are so many things I want to say out loud, so many that I want to clarify, so many things that I've realized, so many epiphanys, so much crying, so much fusteration, so many questions, so many thing I want to yell.

But I won't because now's not the time. Maybe never's not the time, and I'll have to be alright with that.

I wasn't sure that a human being could feel so many freaking emotions at the same time! This is definitly a new-found realization, that I don't particularly like. I'm okay with feeling one emotion at a time, thanks. Three just puts you for a ride, and anything above that just makes me want to break down.

God knew this day had to come. From the start he knew. And he's promised me that things WILL feel better. Why does the world have to keep going on? Why can't people understand what I feel, and why can't I just feel better, dammit.

I'm so angry right now. And confused and hurt. See what I mean about the triple emotion thing? Every day that I think it's getting better, something throws me through a loop-hole and I end up back where I was at the start. I'm not crazy, I know that. Lord knows I feel like I am. Half the time I don't even think about it, the other half my mind is going around in circles looking for a way to get out.

I love being in an all-girl's house. I get different opinions, ideas, and advice whenever I want. We sat around the living room last night and read "He's Just Not Into You". He's just not into you if you've made a pass at him before and were turned down. If a guy is truly into you, you won't have to work that hard! They'll pursue you. Hmmm. To be pursued, eh?

Oh, to just have one day. One day where I think of nothing that I don't want to think about. One day that I'm not analyzing everything that's happened. One night that I can just sleep... Without lying in bed scrutinizing myself. Without having all this anger inside me. I've realized whenever I think or talk about it, I automatically frown, and my 20 and a half year old forehead already has enough wrinkles, thanks.

"I don't remember when exactly but it must have been soon after we met, you taught me that if you fold a dollar bill lengnth-wise and then flatten it out again, a vending machine will almost always accept it.

Goddamn you for that. There has been so many people that I have forgotten, people I liked much more than you, people that I never even knew I knew until someone else mentions them and I wonder what happened to them because I liked them. But not you. You I must now remember in every airport, in every gymnasium, in every stairwell. Thanks to your little trick I can never forget you. Goddamn you for that."

If you leave your name:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
4. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
5. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
6. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
7. If you do this you MUST post this on yours. You MUST. It is written.

this is really hard for me to post publicly.

i've felt god through so many people recently. so much encouragment, so many prayers coming my way. it's really a huge thing for me to cry out to a god who i've shunned, who i doubt... and hear that he really is there. i haven't felt that i'm worthy to ask for anything... i know that's ridiculous and doesn't make any sense after what i've been taught my whole life, but it stands true to what i feel.

i'm eating pumpkin seeds. it's been so long since i've eaten them! we had a night of pumpkin carving and seed baking. it was cutsie and fun, and i was definitly reminded of when i was little and we would do this every halloween!

isn't it typical that every song i listen to describes what i'm feeling right now? i love that music expresses your moods, that you can feel better and memories flood your head when you listen to certain songs.

i put up the honesty box application on my facebook, and i've gotten nothing but negative comments! kinda sucks, but i guess that's really WHY you get an honesty box. people don't really have a problem saying nice things to your face, it's the mean ones that they can't say to you.

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

Yeah you're gonna heal over

I've finally almost beaten Jenn in Monopoly. My brother's skills haven't rubbed off on me at all, and it's been pure luck that's gotten me this far lol.

I've decided that I'm going to be staying here in Edmonton at least through the summer. The next step is to figure out how I'm going to get all of my stuff here and what to do about Maui. I miss her so much, she is MY cat and I want her here with me, especially if I'm now staying beyond April. Jenn's allergic though, she can't be in the same house as a cat which is the only thing that sucks about living here. I feel as if I can't go home for Christmas without bringing her back with me.

Edmonton has really grown on me. Now that I know my way around, I feel much better. Everyone kept telling me that I would miss home and then suddenly, you would fall in love with Edmonton. And I really do love it here... I'm excited for our first snowfall. Soon I'll be able to afford to take short trips home, and once all of my things are here I'll feel way better and fully settled in.

The past week has had it's ups and downs for me. But the ups were really high, I've met some more fantastic people and am starting to really connect to all my roomies. Friday night was super fun... Pictures are in my Facebook "October II" album if you're interested in seeing them. I'm starting to feel really good about being here, and I feel optomistic about this coming year.

This is it. This night has been a huge stepping stone in my life. I know in a couple weeks I can look back and not be crying, I know in a couple months I'll be able to look back and start feeling like myself, I know in a couple more months I'll be able to look back and be happy about my decision. But right now it sucks.

I'm beautiful. I have a compassionate personality. I have a warm smile. Some day a guy will see me for who I really want to be seen. Who has the same deep love for me as I have for them. Who loves me for being ME.

I think I would have actually broken if I didn't have people here who love and support me. Thanks to a lot of breakthroughs and realizations, I finally have to put this part of me to rest. And I'm finally confident that I can go through with that.

One day, things will be normal... We'll... I'll.. be able to look back and laugh about this point. One day I'll be able to say I love you, no strings attached, just here it is and there's nothing more. And I wish it could be different. More than anything in this world I'm thankful for what you've done for me and given me.

I'm just making memories.

Last night I made the hugest mistake since I've come to Alberta. My hair's been growing out and for the first time in a long time, I could see my natural hair colour. So I'm like sweet, when I get my hair dyed next [at a salon] I'll go back to my normal hair colour and that'll be nice. Maybe put some light brown streaks in it, etc.

THEN we go to this really cool store on Whyte and Jodi decides she's gonna go like, a maroon-y purple. To do this she has to buy a box of bleach, and I'm thinking... Well, I've always wanted to try blonde. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER IN ALL OF MY HAIR DYING SCEMES. I don't even want to go to work tonight, I hate it that much! Jenn and Regan haven't even seen it yet cuz they went to bed before we were finished.

So I figure, give my hair a few weeks to breathe, use some hair repair stuff in the meantime. But I have to get this fixed before Erica gets here! No pictures for the next couple weeks... I can't have anyone from home seeing it :-S Siccccck.

I've finally posted pictures :-)
If you wanna take a look, they're on
my facebook page.

"You can't lie to me. I can hear your face!" -Geoff

Oh man. This Thanksgiving weekend has been... interesting these past couple days!

Maui was playing tonight with the salt & pepper shakers. She dropped the pepper onto the carpet and after investigating it, began to sneeze and sneeze. That's how I knew it was the pepper and not the salt!

$140 bucks later, my laptop is working again! No more cold trecks to the library every day! Just goes to show how much technology and the world wide web is so much apart of my life now. I can barely go a day without it if I know I can get to it. I'm sure I could have gotten used to no internet, but it really is almost a must for me. I need to be able to stay in touch with people to NOT go crazy!

Speaking of staying in touch with people, I get to see Krissi and Anna in less than half an hour! I'm so stoked to see them. I really wish Jo could have come out with them, but at least we can catch up and they can spill me all the latest news from home.

Last night Jenn and I had a pretty intense conversation. She really made me look at myself from someone else looking at me... Assessing where I am in my life and where I want to be. And all the confusion in between which really is INSANE and I can barely wrap my head around everything when I really sit down and think. What do I want? How can I get it? Why don't I feel comfortable with who Sharon is? What's missing? What do I need to change? How can I change that? Who is Sharon? Questions go on and on. Sometimes I really wish I had my own personal psychiatrist. I'd lay everything out and then HERE, you figure out what's going through this brain.

I know that there's something big out there for me. I have no idea what it is, but I'm willing to give myself credit that I'm not a failure... But I really have to work at what it is I want [once I actually figure that out]. It makes me excited for the future, excited to really dig into myself and go through the piss and shit that kills people. It's time for me to think about what I'm passionate about and start pursuing it.

I really think last night was kind of like a breakthrough for me. I needed someone to talk to me. I needed to realize that this will never get any better if I don't work at it. Good thing I'm willing to!

I have nothing exciting to report. Minus the fact that my laptop is broken so I've been going to the library everyday. My mom would be happy to hear that!

I'm homesick RIGHT NOW. I'm all emo cuz Jodi's going home for Thanksgiving, and I wish I was going to be going home as well.