Share's Sharing

have you ever had a night where you just lay in bed and a whole bunch of past memories come flooding into your head? except they're not just any old memory. they're memories that you've never thought of before, things that you'd forgotten or blocked out of your mind. a few nights ago, i was laying in bed and i was suffocating with repressed memories. some things were good, most were not so good and it made me remember a lot of stuff that i didn't particularly want to remember.

i remembered sitting in pre-k with our musical intruments... we would sit on the mats that were formed into an egg-shaped circle and sing and play.

i remembered sitting in a psychratrist's office with my mom trying to explain how "it made me feel".

i remembered the night when i knew that you loved me.

i remembered bus rides and lunches where you excluded me and made me feel so bad that i counted out 30 pills into my hand.

i remembered craving your love because everyone thought you were the bestest friend.

i remembered the feeling of extreme shame as i became one of the people that i strain to look at as i walk by.

i remembered feeling completly and utterly betrayed by you.

i remembered the talk that i had with you the day before i lost something dear to me.

i remembered blowing off math and having some of the best times i've ever had in high school.

i remembered seeing you on "tv" and drawing polar bears and having meaningless talks about the future.

i remembered my first "almost kiss" and how it made me feel.


then i remembered how far of come since all of then, and i fell asleep.

This song by Taylor Swift explains how I used to hold on and feel. It's refreshing to have this as my first fond memory of a boy, and I'm excited for different up and coming memories that one day I'll be lovingly writing in a blog or journal. And yes, it's not Drew McKay :-P This is the name Taylor uses in the song.




Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

i've found a way to make my job bareable!
take night shifts and bring a book or my lappy!
it's way less stressful...
so i'm changing my pref card for nights.
woot.
hopefully that works out better.
plus if i work nights i dont' have to spend
money on the bus since we get free cabs.
why didn't i think of this before?
it's crazy just as i'm like UGH i can't
take this anymore...
life's like it's ok share. here's a solution.
this takes care of a few more blips too.
people still stress me out on the phone
but it's wayyyy more bareable and i don't
freak out. i'll just have to get used to
a different sleeping schedule.

i don't want to blame anything on a sickness
if that's not the case, but i think something
may be chemically imbalanced in my brain.
i don't have depression... maybe i can just
blame it on pms lol. but i go from being
extremely happy to confused in 2.0
i think a lot of it has to do with my financial
situation, and i'm doing a lot better now
but i still have a long way to go.
thus my decision to stay in edmonton.
i don't have the finances to move back,
i have it really good here with the rent that
i pay, the roomies that i have. we'll see
where i'm at in april 2009 or closer to then.

jenn and i will be gradually making our house
into "our own"... the spare bedroom [that
eventually will be spare... it's occupied by
one of my roomies right now :-P] will become
our tv/comp/spare room. it'll be crazy going
from five girls and a baby to
three and a baby! all this moving
and such will be taking place at the end of
april. regan and becca will be moving out as
of may 1st, unfortunatly. but it'll be okay,
we'll still see each other. hopefully they
will find a place close to the LRT station
so they'll be easy to get to!

lots of change happening within the next couple
of months... it also includes two trips home
for me for weddings! that's quite exciting,
two of my friends getting married. it'll be
the first weddings of my close friends i've
had growing up. i'm quite excited to be a part
of that. ALSO i'm hoping josh and jodi will
maybe be moving to edmonton in the summer.
fingers crossed for that, i miss jodi a lot
and of course josh.

i'm very blessed with great friends back home.
i love that even though i'm here in edmonton,
i have them supporting me from back home.
not even including my family, i really enjoyed
getting all the snail mail, emails and YEY
presents recently because of my birthday.
i'm STILL getting goodies dropped off, so it's
quite exciting! thanks for the support and
thoughts :-) i promise i will get to calling
the ones who i've said i would catch up with...
it's hard with the whole you work, i sleep,
i work, you work, you're out, i'm in thing. lol.
i WILL keep trying :-P

OhhhhHHH my goodness, you spoiled brat. Ever heard of cutting the cord? You need to frickin' cut it already. Count down.

i'm so damn frusterated with my work. i can't be here anymore. i love some of the people i work with, but it's just NOT what i want to do. there's so many things that i hate. at first it seemed like the perfect job cuz it wasn't like anything i had ever done before. now because of certain things i can't help, i just get continually frusterated and i actually have to do breathing exercises between calls to calm me down. i sound so mental, but i really hate doing this. love the people and the way we're treated and the system... but i can't be here anymore.

happy birthday, jo!
i can't believe you're 18
cuz it honestly feels like
just yesterday
i was graduating high school.
i can't wait to see you grad!
hope this year is wonderful
and exciting with the upcoming
decisions you'll be making.

so i can't wait until summer. like, i realize that although these next few months will go by fast, i'm still excited for the summer. i have a rad couple months coming up. jo's coming back here around the middle of march, then i go back home in the beginning of april... AND i also get to visit in may and june and then sometime in the summer! i'm so stoked to see my family and friends again. last time i was back was SO much fun!!! i know my job's super boring but i'm lucky to be able to travel back and forth so much!

it's crazy how you take someone away from the atmosphere you're used to or add someone and it completly changes. siiiigh.

This past weekend was fantastic. Having my sister here was pure amazement. We toured around Edmonton, ate pizza, watched a whole lot of Across the Universe, listened to a whole lot of the soundtrack of Across the Universe, expierenced the Tunnel of Doom and Purple City. Bestest birthday present ever having her here!

I kinda want to stay in bed for a week and just listen to Bono. Write a ton, smoke a lot, eat leftover ice cream.

Below is one of my favorite songs from Across the Universe. It's basically impossible to choose which one is my fav so I'll just give you one of many!

that I'm losing you.

Well, it looks as if I can do no right.

I try at my job to do the best I can. Occasionally I am recognized for that effort... Most of the time I'm called on what I've been doing wrong. Just when I day happens that I think I've been spectacular at my job, I get the "Share, could you come talk to me?" And I know it can't be a good talk.

I'm trying harder at home. I get frusterated a lot, and I'm trying to teach myself NOT to bitch about problems to other people, but go directly to the source. But I get accused of things that I didn't do and it's fairly frusterating seeing as I'm really starting to try and improve how I deal with things.

There's some days where I just want to close myself in my room, lock my door and be like OKAY OUTSIDE WORLD, I refuse to face you. But fortuneatly [YES, fortuneatly] for me, that's not the way it works. And I've been blessed with someone in my life who has been attempting to teach me that for the past 6 months.

I don't like my job. Love the people I work with, but I don't like my job. I have to make that public...

I opened a piece of mail today marked from home, and it was a birthday card from my cat!

On the front, it says "Behind every cold, icy stare, there's love" And then inside, "Happy Birthday from the cat". There's some attempts at paw prints on the inside as well, with a little "PS": Mommy put something on my left paw to sign this card. Doesn't she know I'm right-pawed?? I was really miffed when she tried to wash it off - I have my own ways of dealing with cleanup. And I broke the water cooler, just to show her. Tell her to get a grip. I can communicate just fine without HER help.

Hehehe, I love my Mom. That card totally made my day!

On another note, we at the Convent have a phone line!!! I'm currently without a cell phone, probably until next September. So our home phone is my number now! And it's totally exciting... We have long distance so I'll be able to phone home whenever I want! You guys are gonna get sick of me calling all the time, especially my family :-P So that's what is new and exciting for me! Other than that, two more days until I see my siiiiister! She's coming Thursday morning with Steph so we're gonna have an awesome "Share's birthday weekend" ;-) I'm totally stoked!!!!

"It's like dying of obesity when you can't even have a bite of the cake." -Daniel

Turn out the light
Just say goodnight, to yourself
May I remind you
When you find you, you're all alone is when you've got to be strong
Cause that's when they call you, in the night
He's got your picture in his mind
He's got your number on a paper at his disposal anytime

Is it really true
Could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
So many times we just give it away, to someone who
Someone who you met in bar
The back of a car
And for a moment you felt important but not in your heart
My self esteem, it's been low, go ahead and count it's been lower than low
I know the feeling of it stealing life out from under me
I want to learn, how you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
So many times we just give it away to someone who, couldn't even remember your name
Could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you, loves me for me
Give it away to someone who someone who will cherish your name

Cause I want to learn, can you save yourself for
Someone who will love you for you so many times we
Just give it away, someone who, couldn't even remember your name
You save yourself for someone who, loves you for you,
Loves me for me
Give it away to someone who, someone who will
Cherish your name
Cherish your name

I'm definitley feeling homesick today. I miss my brother and sister so much! I get to see Jo in less than two weeks 'cuz she's coming to visit for my birthday, but I won't be able to see Daniel until late April. 3 months isn't that bad, it could have been longer, so I'm greatful that I get to go back before the summer starts to see my family again. But I still miss them.

I have so much anger inside of me right now. It's a weird feeling and I wish I could just take some happy pills and feel better. Unfortunatly, that's not the way it works. I'm struggling through these feelings that are making it hard for me to enjoy where I am. And while I'm struggling, it's making me mad. Probably doesn't help that I was sick later on in the week and don't feel like I've really recovered. Minus last night, I've been in my PJ's all weekend.

This is not how I pictured where I would be in my personal life. I'm so different from other people my age. I mean, yeah we're all at different points but I feel so cheated. Which in turn, makes me angry. Ultimately I have all these choices to make... Choices that will determine who I am and what I do, and I'm angry that I have to make these choices in the first place. Why is being human so frusterating? Why can't I be more happy for other people rather than wallowing in my own shortcomings? I get to a hump in the road and it just seems like it's this continuous potholed road. One thing after another.

I'm tired of doors slamming.

Jenn, Regan, and I are just lounging around on the couches in the living room watching "Ghost Whisperer"... I have barely followed the story line. Really, it's kinda lame as far as I can tell. But Jenn and Regan might argue that one since they're actually into it. We put Maddie down a while ago... Pretty sure she's out for the night. She's teething more, her cheeks are so red and she's really whiney.

Things have changed a bit in The Convent. I've moved upstairs to Amber's old room and Hanna and Maddie have moved into my room. So we're now 5 girls and a baby. It's nice having Hanna here and fun seeing Maddie grow.

Last night was a bit scary for me. I had really bad pains in my stomach and started having a panic attack. At the time, I was sitting in my room reading a book, and suddenly it felt like I was falling asleep but I couldn't wake myself up. I remember thinking that maybe I had overdosed on advil, and I couldn't feel. I actually thought to myself that I was going to die. It was that bad. I'm pretty sure I scared the crap out of all my roomies... They sat with me until I had settled down, gave me a T3 and eventually I fell asleep. But whoo, it was scary and I didn't remember exactly what happened. They thought it might have been a night terror or a panic attack... I don't know what it was, but I hope it never freaking happens again!

On the upside, it's only 13 days until my sister comes and visits me!!! I'm so stoked to see her and excited to show her my home! Maybe she'll even look into Concordia [that's wishful thinking though :-P].

SHOUT OUT to Neal and Heather who have their birthdays TODAY! Awesome, gotta love those February birthdays!!!