Share's Sharing

So I just got reemed out by Dallas' dad for stealing money. Like, actually. I haven't even been home all weekend, and he went off on me that money has been going missing. I eventually was just like, "Well, you know... I'm out of here in ten days so the money shouldn't go missing anymore, right?" And he didn't say anything. He also yelled at me for waking him up to be let in the house, when he hasn't given me a key. He was like, you better just fucking stay out all night. Like, excuse me?? I'm still allowed to be here for ten more days. It's my room, I can have who I want over. We're not loud, we're not bothering anyone. I actually have never been so close to just going off on someone! But I knew if I started I would cry, and that would just be a mess. I hate this.

is my life really in shambles that much?

i'll take the blame for the mistakes that i've made this weekend, [and i have] but honestly you know that i'm a push-over and i have trust issues with people. i have felt taken advantage of from you before in the past, but never have i brought it up because i don't want to lose friendships and i'm too much of a pansy to speak my mind. obviously you have no problem speaking yours.

am i just a crappy friend? here i am thinking that certain people aren't worth my time and effort.. but maybe it's me who people actually have a problem with and i just am completly oblivious.

i'm tired of hearing rumors about me, i'm tired of feeling upset. i'm trying to do this the way i thought best and believe me, everything is still a struggle. things just don't get automatically better overnight, unfortunatley. i'm not asking for sympathy but i've gone through more shit with my family than you could ever understand. stuff yourself full of turkey and excuse yourself from the table to watch tv... at least you have a family who wants you.

i feel like i've been supportive to you throughout the hard times in your life, and you have been right next to me through mine. i'm not telling you how to live your life, i need you to let me figure this out cuz it's about time that i did.

sometimes i wish that i could pull an "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" and erase you from my life.

i would have no memory of you and the loss that i feel would be full again. i wouldn't remember the good, but i would have no record of the bad and overall that would be just fine with me.

but you know what, if it wasn't you it would have been someone else. and the cycle would start over again... me wishing that i had never met him.

why do we have to go through so much hurt? is it really because it makes us "stronger"? i'm not fully convinced. i feel like that's the cop-out reason that your mom gives you when you cry to her about the new boy who's hurt your feelings.

life sucks sometimes.

don't get me wrong, i've had a lot to celebrate about and i will continually have future celebrations of my life. but life truly does suck sometimes.

i'm exhausted from sticking up for myself, i'm exhausted from being accused, being frowned upon.

i'm greatful for those who have given me the benefit of the doubt and loved me through this... god knows i don't deserve some of the sympathy.

relationships florish and fail. i'm begining to see that those hugs and hellos that you give me aren't exactly genuine. i can see through your crooked smile.

it's time to really live.